Learn More About Me

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

I Don't Want to Be His Adoptive Mom

I was looking through some of my various social media profiles and they all include "adoptive mama".

This was a title I was thrilled about for the past six months. I wanted everyone to know we were adopting a baby and we were going to be parents. It was so exciting.

Now that I am a mom, I find that I want to drop the "adoptive" part. I just want to be Isaiah's mom. This surprises me. I think a part of me thought we would always be different than other moms and sons, but now that we're here, it doesn't feel like we're different.

A friend suggested that I should be willing to tell people that Isaiah is adopted so that our story can benefit others. While I don't entirely disagree with this, I also don't want to make Isaiah feel any less of our son. I won't tell people: "This is my adopted son, Isaiah".

I don't have any problem telling our story, and I intend to be open with Isaiah about his adoption, but I don't feel like I need to tell everyone who asks about him. I have things to give him from his birth mom, so I definitely don't intend to act like she doesn't exist.

When others who don't know that my brothers are adopted comment on our age difference my family usually responds with something like "yeah, it's a pretty big gap", or something equally vague. Is this wrong? You might think so.

As Isaiah gets older it will be obvious by looking at us that he is adopted. Or people will assume that (read this next part like we're on Maury) Mr. Polish is not the father.

He is my son, and I am his mom. I know absolutely everything there is to know about him. I don't know what the biological connection feels like, but I can tell you that I don't know how much more connected or bonded I could be with him. I've never known another person like I know him. To me, adoption isn't even a thing. He is as much my son as any child could ever be. I shouldn't speak for Mr. Polish, but I will anyway. He feels the same way.

In doing this, we're actually also respecting his birth mom's wishes. From the first time we met her, she told us over and over that she doesn't want us to call him our adopted son, just our son.

How much do you share?


  1. I don't think its anyones business if he is your adopted son or not. He's your son. If you want to share your story and help out others who are contemplating adoption or in the process, then you could refer to yourself as his adopted mom when telling the story, but I still say, you don't need to introduce him as "my adopted son Isaiah". He's your son Isaiah.

    1. I would never introduce him like that. We were in the restroom at a restaurant the other day and another mom came in to change her baby and I was apologizing for taking so long and told her that I am getting faster. She asked if he was my first and I said yes and told her the story about how Isaiah was laying in the hospital crib and they told us they were done testing and we could hold him, and we both just stood there because we couldn't figure out how to pick him up, and I told her that we adopted. It didn't feel weird, it just felt like a regular fact that the story needed.

  2. I fully plan on telling our future child he/she is adopted, but I really hadn't ever thought of saying it was our adopted child in an introduction of sorts. Obviously my intent isn't to hide anything, but I hadn't thought much about it.

    You are his mom, that's all there is. You're the mom who fixes boo boos, you're the mom who calms him down after a nightmare, you're the mom who tells him no and the mom who cries at his first day of school. You're all of that, whether it's natural or adoptive, but there's no need, unless you're talking about the adoption or birth story, that there's any need to mention it.

    1. Oh I am going to cry my eyes out at his first day of school.

      A book you might like is "I Wished For You" by Marianne Richmond. It makes me cry every time I read it, but it's beautiful. I've already read it to Isaiah and plan to keep reading it. It is important for him to know he's adopted, but I don't want him to feel like it's a negative thing.

  3. <3 I had the "talk" with Gabe when he asked if he was in my belly too. He knows I didn't birth him, but he still sees me as Mom. As for others? I get a lot of "Wow your boys are so close in age! Must have been a long 2 years." (18 months apart) I generally respond with something like "Yeah, but I love them being so close in age." or mumble something along the lines of "Easiest pregnancy and birth I never had" Most people don't even catch the "never" and assume I said "ever." HAHAHA.

    That said, the bond between natal and non-natal kids is the same. At least for me it is. I love them all so much and honestly don't think I feel any different between my kids. :) And I definitely prefer to talk about them as MY kids. Not adoptive, biological, alien...you know.

    1. I love hearing that there isn't a difference between your kids. Obviously my mom tells me this all the time, but it's nice to hear it from someone else!

      You and Gabe are so lucky to have each other!

  4. I think with time the titles will drop away, I know when I was first with Fredrik it was always pointed out he was Swedish right of the bat but eventually people got over it and he was just Fredrik. Sometimes even though we are now living in Sweden I forget until we are in public and he is talking to people in Swedish because to me he is just my husband.

    1. I get what you're saying about being Swedish not being a thing anymore. Josh is a pretty big guy, and it seems to be the first thing people notice about him. Sometimes when someone says something about it I am kind of reminded about it, but otherwise don't really even notice. I mean, I notice what he looks like, but it isn't a thing anymore. He's just my husband.

      So in a long way around to my point, I know that Isaiah is just my son and I agree that the title will fade as time goes by.



Related Posts with Thumbnails