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Sunday, November 20, 2022


When I was finishing my last round of therapy, I was asked to try a self-led EMDR. If you're unfamiliar with EMDR therapy, it's an immersive trauma therapy that helps you work through your trauma by focusing on the event in ways you haven't before. I was asked how I would respond to myself in that trauma if I were able to go back in time and apply what I know now.

I used that experience to work through some of the trauma I had from when we were foster parents. I didn't realize it hurt as much as it did, and while that exercise was helpful, it wasn't aimed at my MS diagnosis.

If I were to go back five years from today, I would tell myself the following:

  • Five years isn't long enough to figure it all out.
I started writing this in hopes I could put my thoughts into clear and understandable terms. When I write, it's because I already have something figured out. So I think this was an attempt to "fake it 'til I made it" but honestly, the only thing I've learned is that I'm still very lost. I've surrounded myself with an amazing community of people who also have MS. I've been to support groups. I've read books. I've filmed commercials. And I'm still fucking lost. 

My voice shakes. I choke on air. I fall. Half of my eyes work (only the left sides of both of them). My hands are always asleep. So am I. 

So, year five isn't the one where I figure things out. 

Here's to year six.

Monday, November 14, 2022

12 Days of Trauma

Last year I was diagnosed with C-PTSD from my diagnosis with MS. The main difference between PTSD and C-PTSD is that PTSD can be caused by a single traumatic event, but C-PTSD is an ongoing experience (like chronic illness). I'm not a doctor, so don't take me too seriously.

This year is the first year I've been able to actually identify my feelings, and admit them out loud.

I feel completely worthless. I feel like I'm taking up space and not doing anything productive. I feel like a giant waste of a person. And it's so interesting to me, because I know at the same time that none of that is true. But it FEELS true.

I have been having really bizarre dreams lately, and one was so funny that I text Kallan about it. She responded and said "okay, that dream needs analyzed" and I said "No, it doesn't. I'm in my trauma period that goes from 11/8 when I had my lumbar puncture, to 11/20 when I was diagnosed." And just like that, the 12 Days of Trauma was born. 








14 - Bagel Day







Here is what I'm looking for. I want to set each day of the 12 as a little treat to myself. An Advent Calendar of Trauma if you will. Today I had the most delicious bagel sandwich for lunch, and so Bagel Day was born. 

What I want to do, is come up with a set path to follow for the 12 Days of Trauma so that next year, I don't get halfway through and wonder what the hell happened to me, my confidence, and my peace of mind. 


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