I have to be honest — when we were struggling through infertility, and then the adoption process, I thought to myself, “Surely, there is nothing more stressful.” And I was proven wrong. The last six months have been the most tumultuous months of my life…I would venture to also include this statement for Josh and Isaiah. Our world has been turned upside down, and even though we’re seeming to end up right back where we started, I know that our world will never be the same.
We’ve known for a few weeks now that our foster son (I hate calling him that, but for his privacy, and state law, I have to in public forums) is going to move out of our home. We’re waiting now for the official documentation before he moves, but it is coming. Since we found out, we’ve been pretty accepting of it. Really, what choice do we have? We knew this was a possibility going into it, and we really want to be so happy for him in his new situation, but the selfish part of us feels like part of our hearts is going out there without us. And it’s so painful because he’s just a baby.
I thought I was maneuvering through this fairly painlessly until I was out shopping with my mom, and we found Christmas stockings on sale. I don’t like buying decor of any kind because I don’t like having “things.” But these stockings were beautiful, and we don’t have any, so I decided to get them. I quickly made the decision that I would only buy three because he wouldn’t be with us for Christmas, so we made our purchases and left.
Then later, after the boys were in bed and I was enjoying the quiet of the house, the enormity of his leaving hit me. He doesn’t have one of our stockings. He won’t be here for Christmas.
He isn’t my child.
He is leaving.
And no matter how difficult this has all been, I love him as if he were my child. I hope that I’ve provided him with all I could have in the past six months, and I hope my love is something that he somehow knows will always be with him.
Because when he leaves, he’s taking part of me with him.
