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Wednesday, March 30, 2022


Yesterday was rough. No easy way around it. Not because of anything that happened, but because of my MS symptoms. I felt awful, but I had an obligation that I had to be present for, so I pushed myself. 

My mom was always big on pushing me to do things. She is the reason I was a cheerleader for 11 years. She is the reason I played violin for six years. My mom is Tina Fey in Mean Girls. She's a pusher.

And while I don't always love that quality, I used it yesterday to push myself.

There have been a few times where I've learned that pushing myself isn't the best idea. My son still believes that I am allergic to bananas because I was eating one once and passed out in the kitchen. (I have told him several times that I am not allergic to bananas, and that I have MS and he will not accept it.) 

I was in the kitchen in the first place because I thought I could push through my fatigue. Mind over matter, you know? That was the first time that my body took the wheel and said "no bitch, we laying down". 

So my question that I'm pondering is, when do you push and when do you pull? How do you know when it's time to do which, when your body is constantly lying to you? It's the body that cried wolf. 

I saw a meme yesterday that said "disabled women are sexy, powerful, attractive, and worthy of love", and I'm still thinking about it, because I don't see myself in that way. I feel worthy of love, because I believe everyone is worthy of love, but the other things? How can I possibly believe them in a body that won't even cooperate with me for the smallest thing? 

That's what I don't know how to get back. 

Tuesday, March 29, 2022


 As often happens, I get caught up in the fine details of life, and I fail to share the full picture.

I've always wondered why I do this. For instance, I'll remember to tell someone that I cannot stand how the seam in my shirt is rubbing on my right arm, while forgetting to share the big news.

So I'm going to share all of the little things first, and then I'll share the big things.

I cannot handle eyes and I burst a blood vessel in mine throwing up on Sunday and now I want to die every time I look at it. I've had the same cold/flu for four weeks and I'm officially ready to go back into quarantine. Isaiah is only four inches shorter than me right now. Plant life is doing great around me. I am getting ready to fully immerse myself in all things Venus Fly Trap. I've even made a friend on Instagram that is around the world, and is an expert in such plants. Oh, I switched eye liner and mascara for the first time in 15ish years. That's going well. I also bought lip gloss. I'm currently loving Chobani Greek Yogurt, mixed berry flavor. I'm considering making some bread because we're going through it really fast at home. 

Just two major things. 

First, my book. I've been working through the "world building" of my story, and I have not had fun like this in so long! I had no idea that exploring my own thoughts and imagination could be so fun. I love that every time I get stuck or hung up on something, I remind myself that it's my story and I move on. It's very fulfilling. I love when I get an idea and I think "is it okay to say that?" and then I realize "yes, it's okay. This is yours. It doesn't matter if no one sees it. You are doing this." 

Second, a couple years ago I did a commercial for Avonex, the medication I take for MS. They have reached back out and asked me to do quite a bit more work for them. So you'll be seeing me on an insta ad in a feed near you soon.

And that's my update. MS is still a bitch, but I don't really feel like talking about her right now.

Thursday, March 17, 2022


I had the flu for the last ten days or whatever and it felt like several years. I believe this is the first time I've had the flu or anything since I was diagnosed with MS and it was a real learning experience. First, I took twice as long to recover than my family did. And then my MS symptoms started acting up. (Mom, don't read this next part). And then yesterday, I shit my pants.

I have missed a lot of work lately, due to illness and also having scheduled days off for doing things. Yesterday I didn't feel great, but I thought it was just my MS acting up (I'm nauseated every day when I wake up. Every single day.) So I pushed through it. And in a way, I was right. I pulled into the parking garage, parked my car, turned it off, stood up, and the MS hit. (Mega Shit? Multiple Sclerosis? Same, same.)

But the real impressive part here is that I just got into my car, sent my husband a text, emailed my boss (I'll be in by nine k thx bye) and drove home. Took a shower, put on my second outfit of the day and then went back to it.

Bladder and bowel issues are common with MS, and unfortunately it's something I deal with also. I used to be mortified. Now, it's just life. It just happens. Shit happens, you know?

With that being said, I will not be taking any shit from anyone for the foreseeable. I have enough of my own, thank you. (And yes, all day I was like "oh girl, you can have that! You shit yourself today. Treat yo self.")

I am an adult. And sometimes, adults have shitty days.

Okay, I'm out of fun word play. Shit.

Thursday, March 3, 2022


Yesterday, I took a loved one to the hospital. Everything is fine all around, but it was an experience.

I have been diagnosed with medical PTSD, and I have a difficult time going to the hospital campus where I was diagnosed. 

But my family needed me, so I pushed it down, and we went. 

I went to park the car and met them inside, and then was told which room they were in, and my heart dropped.

This is a big hospital, like I think the biggest in the region (I don't even know what a region consists of, but it's big) and the room my person was in, is the same exact room where I was diagnosed with a stroke, undiagnosed with a stroke, and then given a lumbar puncture. I vomited my guts out in that room after my spinal tap. My doctor came in and told me that I was likely developing a disease I had never heard of before, and I thought I was going to die. All in that room. I arranged for my son to be picked up from preschool and had a needle inserted into my spine. 

When I realized what room I was headed to, I couldn't breathe. I stood outside the door for a moment to gather myself, and then I realized that there was no gathering anything and I went in.

I couldn't let my person know I was scared. But I was terrified. We both were.

I text my mom a picture of the stupid horse picture on the wall that we fought about that entire day. 

My mom is the kind of person who can look at a cloud and say "Oh, I see a house with a three car garage and a Volvo out front". I am not that kind of person. She was convinced that she could see a face in the pattern on one of the horses. 

And her response to the picture made me cry. 

"Angi, that day changed your life and was so scary, celebrate the new you, you have grown so much and a lot of the things you were scared about that day you have learned about and tackled. Look in the mirror, baby, you have come so far!"

Today is still hard, but I finally got to laugh in a place where I cried so much.  


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