body

Yesterday was rough. No easy way around it. Not because of anything that happened, but because of my MS symptoms. I felt awful, but I had an obligation that I had to be present for, so I pushed myself. 

My mom was always big on pushing me to do things. She is the reason I was a cheerleader for 11 years. She is the reason I played violin for six years. My mom is Tina Fey in Mean Girls. She's a pusher.

And while I don't always love that quality, I used it yesterday to push myself.

There have been a few times where I've learned that pushing myself isn't the best idea. My son still believes that I am allergic to bananas because I was eating one once and passed out in the kitchen. (I have told him several times that I am not allergic to bananas, and that I have MS and he will not accept it.) 

I was in the kitchen in the first place because I thought I could push through my fatigue. Mind over matter, you know? That was the first time that my body took the wheel and said "no bitch, we laying down". 

So my question that I'm pondering is, when do you push and when do you pull? How do you know when it's time to do which, when your body is constantly lying to you? It's the body that cried wolf. 

I saw a meme yesterday that said "disabled women are sexy, powerful, attractive, and worthy of love", and I'm still thinking about it, because I don't see myself in that way. I feel worthy of love, because I believe everyone is worthy of love, but the other things? How can I possibly believe them in a body that won't even cooperate with me for the smallest thing? 

That's what I don't know how to get back.