untitled

When I was finishing my last round of therapy, I was asked to try a self-led EMDR. If you're unfamiliar with EMDR therapy, it's an immersive trauma therapy that helps you work through your trauma by focusing on the event in ways you haven't before. I was asked how I would respond to myself in that trauma if I were able to go back in time and apply what I know now.

I used that experience to work through some of the trauma I had from when we were foster parents. I didn't realize it hurt as much as it did, and while that exercise was helpful, it wasn't aimed at my MS diagnosis.

If I were to go back five years from today, I would tell myself the following:

• Five years isn't long enough to figure it all out.

I started writing this in hopes I could put my thoughts into clear and understandable terms. When I write, it's because I already have something figured out. So I think this was an attempt to "fake it 'til I made it" but honestly, the only thing I've learned is that I'm still very lost. I've surrounded myself with an amazing community of people who also have MS. I've been to support groups. I've read books. I've filmed commercials. And I'm still fucking lost. 

My voice shakes. I choke on air. I fall. Half of my eyes work (only the left sides of both of them). My hands are always asleep. So am I. 

So, year five isn't the one where I figure things out. 

Here's to year six.