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Tuesday, March 5, 2013

An Open Letter From An Infertile

Dear My Fertile Friends,

First of all, I want you to know that this is not going to be an offensive, fertile bashing post. I simply want to let you in on something that your infertile friends might not be telling you.

Women with infertility often find it difficult to speak to women about their issues if said women are not also infertility sufferers. It isn't that we don't like you, but it's hard. Kind of like if you have a question about your child, you probably won't ask a friend that doesn't have children. You know how annoying it is when people without children offer you parenting advice? Your friends with infertility feel this same way when suggestions are made that maybe if they tried this, or tried that, they could get pregnant. If you suggest that they relax, you should be prepared for a gut punch. Your friend that is up to her ears in IVF pamphlets and RE paperwork has tried to relax. She knows.

Also, don't suggest to her that she adopt. Adoption isn't for everyone, and it isn't a second place choice for infertile couples. Don't tell her that she will get pregnant as soon as she starts the adoption process. This does happen for some people, but for some people it doesn't.

The best thing I can say to explain it to you, is that your friend is mourning. As we know from Elizabeth K├╝bler-Ross there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. In my own personal experience, these stages don't just apply to death, but also the loss of an idea. Your friend is struggling with the loss of the idea of how her life was supposed to be. She was supposed to get pregnant right when she wanted to, just like other women. She wanted to have children before she reached a certain age. I can promise you that no one wants to go through fertility treatments. No one wants to wait when they're ready, and no one wants to intentionally take medicine to make them a crazy person.

We love you, and we appreciate your concern, but please don't take our problems upon yourself and try to fix them. We will work through this, and we will come out on the other side one way or another. Some day we will move into the acceptance stage of grief, it just might not be today.

Sincerely yours,


  1. I love this! It definitely can be hard to put yourself in someone's shoes which you've never been in, I appreciate your honesty!

    1. Thank you! I hope it helps people who don't understand.

  2. great post this reminds me of my sister's struggles. She was born with no ovaries, and I know some of her grief but will never truly understand all of it...she should blog hmmmmm cheaper therapy too. Andrea



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