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Friday, November 30, 2012

Prayer

I'm convinced that the only way to survive an adoption (or really anything in life) is by prayer.

I haven't always felt this way though.

I have noticed that almost all blogs having to do with adoption have a strong Christian theme to them, and while I'm not as comfortable sharing my faith and beliefs with everyone, it is what has helped me survive.

I was baptized when I was 22 years old, and mostly just because we needed to be members at our church in order to be married there. In order to be a member, you had to have been baptized. We took our membership classes, and since we were the only ones in it, our pastor combined my baptism class with it. I learned about why we are baptized, and the importance of it. I understood it, but to be completely honest, was only going through what I need to get married.

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At that point I hadn't faced a whole lot of trials. Life was good. Life is still good. But at the same time, I hadn't needed to lean on God.

Shortly after we were married, I joined a bible study for new Christians that turned into a bible study about how to be a good wife. My faith grew through this, but I still felt incredibly uncomfortable praying. It was awkward and I didn't know what to say. I didn't want God to think I was stupid. I'm so serious.

At the same time, a very dear friend was going through a divorce. We talked a lot about what the bible says about divorce and how she was dealing with it. I would often talk to Josh about it, because just as he is my personal trainer, he is also my personal bible consultant. I asked him what we (as Christians) are supposed to do if we are in a terrible relationship, and have exhausted all of the possible solutions. Are we supposed to stay with this person who makes our life miserable? Does God want us to be miserable? My gut feeling is that no, he doesn't want us to be miserable or unhappy. So that leaves my question unanswered. What are we to do? Josh simply (I highly doubt he even remembers this conversation, but I think of it often) told me that "God forgives us". And he does.

My prayer life started to grow then.

My prayers have changed so much over the past few years. While I did pray for others, I often prayed for myself. I would ask for things to happen, I would ask for God to make things go right, I would beg God to give us a baby.

Early on in our relationship, Josh and I broke up (if you ask him, he'll act like he doesn't know what you're talking about). I remember sitting in my mom's car talking to her about it, and she told me that I should pray about it. She said that even though I wanted him back so badly, that some of the greatest gifts that God gives us, is not answering our prayers. We have no idea of the plans he has for us. We don't have a clue.

It wasn't until this summer that I really got back to my bible, and back to God. I talked to him, cried with him, and thanked him for everything we have. It occurred to me that even though infertility was so hard on me, there are many other harder things that I could be going through. And he brought me peace. Talking to God helped me realize that my life isn't over if I can't get pregnant. I'm alive, and that is miracle enough. For the first time I don't hate the phrase "everything happens for a reason". Ok, I still hate it, but not as much.

So that now I've gotten off topic several times, I'll bring you back to my point. God is good. He is good to us and has blessed us in ways I could have never imagined. I used to think our life wasn't perfect, but now I realize that the imperfectness is God's way of showing us just how great life is.

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4 comments:

  1. This is a beautiful post. I was raised Christian, but have not been much of a church-goer for many years. My husband and I just recently started attending church again so we could have our son baptised. It's been really comforting getting back in touch with my faith and praying on a more regular basis. And you're so right -- God is good to us.

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    1. I'm so happy to hear stories like this from others. Faith is comforting. Thank you for sharing!

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  2. beautiful post. I haven't been on my blog much lately, but just read through some of your posts. I am SOOO excited for you about your adoption process. I will make sure to check more regularly to read your good news!

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    1. Thank you, Amy! We are so excited too!

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