Five Days

When things got particularly rough last week with our birth mom I started writing like crazy. It is amazingly therapeutic for me so I wrote a little something every day of the week to get me through. The posts may be a little jumbled, but here they are in all of their unedited glory. You get these posts this week while I'm snuggling my brand new baby boy.

Last night we were in Isaiah's room. I was straightening up and opening new things. Josh was looking around. He said "This is my last childless Wednesday" and I wanted to cry. What if it isn't?

If this doesn't happen, not only will my heart break for me, but also for my husband.

I realize that I'm being insanely negative. I'm trying to prepare for the worst instead of thinking the best. I want to be positive, but I feel like I've forgotten how.

I've sterilized bottles, washed clothes, put them away, and I've cried. I've cried a lot lately. Everything is so uncertain. I know the verses, and I have them marked, and I've read them. I've never felt anxiety like this before.

Tomorrow I see our birth mom again. I haven't talked to her since Monday. I'm afraid of how she will act. I wonder if she will still be mad, or if she will act like nothing happened.

In the past few weeks I've been trying to keep in mind how pictures will look. I've been mentally planning how to do my hair, and what I'm going to wear. But as the time gets closer, I care less and less. I don't even care what my hair looks like any more, and I don't have a clue what I'm going to wear, let alone what the baby will wear. I don't know how we'll manage taking care of our dogs, or really anything. I'm so intent on getting to the point when our son is our son that I can barely think of anything else.

I was shocked to see how much was inside this one small box.