This may seem like a drastic change from the last time I wrote about our adoption, and it is. We have had what can only be described as a major breakdown in communication, and now the next seven days aren't as certain as they have been. And this is what I can only describe as the "real" part of adoption. This is where we might have a baby and we might not.
I have a tendency to only write the positive, because I generally like to be a positive person. However, I feel like I should write this, not only for you, but for me. I need to remember what this was like. I've heard that as soon as your baby is born, you forget the months of pain and the pains of labor because you have this beautiful child in your arms and it is all worth it. I firmly believe that our child is worth it, but I don't ever want to forget how hard the adoption process was. I want to say this and then be done with it. I don't want this to diminish the excitement of our first child, but to be honest, it somewhat has.
Our birth mom feels that we are being unfair, and that we owe her some form of compensation for carrying the baby for us. She told me as much. I've explained that we are bound by the law, but she thinks we should find a way around it. No matter how many times I explain things to her, she doesn't retain what I say. I have explained the adoption process to her more times than I can count. I keep track of what her doctor says because she doesn't.
I feel used. What I thought would be a very amicable situation has turned into something that makes my stomach churn. I'm having a hard time being excited because I'm in survival mode. In short, I've never felt so helpless in my life.
I've been spending a lot of time with my bible lately, because I truly feel like it is the only thing I can do. I've found solace in Matthew 6: 25-34 and Psalm 23.
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?So, if you pray, or you send good thoughts, we would appreciate them, and hopefully we have good news to share on the other side.
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.