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Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Contemplations on Life

Snow! Yikes. It snowed a lot here last night. Of course, it never snows enough for work to get closed, ugh. So here I am. Working diligently, can't you tell?

I have made a few more decisions on the wedding. I know that instead of pew bows I want to do lanterns. Sarah found this photo for me, they have these at IKEA. Since I have no idea what that is, Sarah is (I think) going to take me there this weekend. I'm VERY excited! I'm afraid of hurting Lisa's feelings though when I tell her about the lanterns. I'm sure she'll understand, but I know she had talked about how she wanted the pew bows to look. We'll get through it. And we'll have lanterns. : )

So Sarah and I were talking yesterday about my wedding and her future wedding and I got really excited about helping with hers and how much fun it was going to be, going shopping and all for everything, trying on bridesmaid dresses, and then I realized that I might be 2,000 miles away. And I almost cried. My heart actually sank, I swear it did. This is the first time since Josh and I have talked about moving Southwest that I've felt like I'd like to stay around Indiana, maybe the outside area, but Arizona seems so far when you want to help and be a part of something. Is it really that easy be a part of something from 2,000 miles away? Will my friendships last if I don't see my friends? I know my friendship with Sarah will because we rarely see each other anyway, but what about everyone else? I know I'll stay friends with Megan, too. I'm sure everyone who matters will stay in touch, but what if they don't? And if they don't, do I really want to be friends with them anyway? I'm on this self-questioning roll now and I can't get off. What if I get out there and I hate it? I know the answer to that is that I'll just come back, but do I want to risk that? I know I'll miss my family and that will be hard, but just thinking about not being able to drive for about two hours to be involved with Sarah's wedding made me really sad. Obviously I'll fly back often (I hope) but will I be able to afford that? I won't be working, I'll be in law school. Maybe Arizona isn't where I'm supposed to go. I just wish someone would tell me. And then in the back of my head I have this little nagging thought that I keep asking myself "do I really want to be a lawyer?" Truth is, I don't want to be some mega-lawyer with lots of money and status. I don't want that at all. I don't want to work in a firm like I work at now, I don't want anything big. My main goal for my entire life is to raise a healthy and happy family. I want to provide them with all the love I can give, I already know I won't put my entire heart into my job, because I'm going to put my entire heart into my family, so is it silly to even start law school? I mean whats the point? Obviously I'll give school my all, but when I'm done, my job isn't my life. This is just looking forward into what I want to see, but hopefully I can measure my life by those who I love and those who love me, and not by money. Because thats not what its all about.

"I bet it's warm in California
I think it's time to hit the road
I just might call that plain of gypsies
Whose searching for our pot of gold"
-Bon Jovi, Whole Lot of Leavin'

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