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Thursday, April 24, 2008

Weight Loss

I talked before about my identity crisis. I think it is getting worse since I've started losing weight. It has been hard for me to adjust. Since I look at myself every day in the mirror it is harder for me to see what I look like compared to what I used to look like. B. Moss (one of my favorite stores) was having a big sale today. Everything in the store was 40% off and all of the already clearance merchandise was an additional 50% off. So I went in. Today I wore a black pair of size 10 pants to work. I was thinking about going shopping after work while I was at work. So I get to B. Moss, I pick out some clothes, and decide to try on some size 8 pants, because the 10's I wore to work are getting pretty big. So I get in the dressing room and I'm taking the pants off the hanger and in my head the whole time I'm thinking "There is so way these are going to fit me. I'll never get these up over my hips." And I pulled them up, and buckled them. And they fit. And I couldn't believe it. I mean really. I'm not sure what it is, but I try on these size 8 pants and they fit, and I somehow can't believe they are really a size 8. They must be a 12 or something more reasonable for me. When I tried on the pants and realized that was another thing I didn't know about myself, I didn't even feel like me. It was upsetting because it made me feel like I don't know who I am anymore. Obviously I want to lose weight or I wouldn't do it, but I didn't know I would feel this way. Did I really get comfortable being overweight? Maybe I'm just in a weird mood today, but I can't help but feel that I don't know who I am anymore.

"So when I make a big mistake
And when I fall flat on my face
I know I'll be alright
Should my tender heart be broken
I will cry those teardrops knowing
I will be just fine
Cause nothing changes who I am"
-Jessica Andrews, Who I Am

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