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Friday, January 7, 2022


I had a conversation with my mom last night, and I told her I was writing again.

And then I told her everything I've written, and over-explained how much I love her and my dad, but these are my feelings.

And then she told me about a time that broke her heart, and I remember it.

I was six years old. My mom is excellent at playing with children. I hate playing. Sitting on the floor to do anything sounds like an awful nightmare, but my mom is really good at it. I know that's something Isaiah loves about her. So, when I was six, we were sitting and playing. 

I don't know if you family does this or not, but every person in my family does. They say to kids "Who is the prettiest girl in the whole world?" and they say it to the person who is supposed to say "Me!". 

I can remember my great grandma saying "What are we going to do with him?" talking about my dad and I would always say "We'll keep him, and love him." 

I've said this before, but I was five when my sister was born, and still five when she died. I turned six a few weeks after she died. 

So that day that my mom recalled, we were playing at the counter in our kitchen and she said "Who is the prettiest girl in the whole wide world?" and I got a very confused look on my face, and I said "Alex?". 

I remember this, and the feeling I had. When my sister died, I didn't understand what it meant, but I knew I was supposed to be sad because everyone around me was sad, and everyone told me that it was okay to be sad. So I tried really hard to be sad, but I don't think I had developed the understanding yet. I remember being at her funeral and having fun with my cousins in the lounge, and suddenly remembering that I wasn't supposed to be having fun, I was supposed to be sad. 

The 30th anniversary of her death is this month, and my mom and I still cried last night. 

There is no end to grief. There is no limit. Your feelings are valid no matter when they happen. 

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