fuck

I used to not swear. Like at all. 

I can remember being on the elementary school playground and trying out bad words with my bestie, but when I entered my early twenties, I became evangelized. 

We got engaged when we were 21 (children). We got married when we were 23 (seriously, children. I never grew up in a church, and my husband didn't either, although he had more experience than I did. So for our wedding, we picked a pretty church and then followed the rules to get married there. Which included me getting baptized and us becoming members.

I have a very odd relationship with baptism. Like I just said, I was an adult and I had to get myself baptized. 

However, I have to give you more background info before I can go on.

When I was five, my parents had a baby. When she was four months old, she died. It wasn't quietly in her sleep either. My parents had her at the hospital and every single effort was made to save her. In her final moments, after the doctors told my parents there was nothing they could do, my parents had her baptized.

I have never questioned my parents love for me. But why wasn't I baptized? And why would that be the final act of her life? She couldn't possibly need baptized so she would go to heaven. She was a baby. She hadn't done anything bad, let alone anything at all. 

When I got baptized, it was in the Spring of 2008. And we became "perfect" people. We got rid of all of our DVDs and CDs that were explicit. We stopped swearing, because if we were to have a conversation with Jesus, would we say bad words?

I read bible studies by Beth Moore. I attached myself to people who I thought would help me be better. But I never felt better. And then all of the people who I thought were better, started to fail. Marriages that were supposed to last forever, didn't. Friends who were supposed to always be pure, weren't. I felt like everyone had this secret personality that I wasn't aware of, until they fucked up. 

And now, I'm not sure where I am. Because the people who have perpetuated this pandemic and hundreds of years of racism, are Christians. And those two things are really hitting home for me. I promised my son that if he got the vaccine, this would all end. We could see friends again, and not wear masks, but here we are. Variant #4. There are easier ways to learn the Greek Alphabet, for fucks sake.

But I started this post to talk about words. Specifically "bad" ones. When I was in college, I had a professor who would always say "History is how you interpret it." Vague as shit, right?

I don't think I fully even understood it until recently. Because what happened really does come down to how it's interpreted and told. Have you ever looked back at a story about the Civil Rights movement? What perspective was it told from?

Words. Jesus. Stay on track.

Wouldn't words only have the importance we give them? Is a word "bad" or do we call it "bad"? 

I'm supposed to tell my child that he can't say "shit", but I should also say that he can't learn black history in school? I'm going to be very clear, and I'm not sure if I have before, if you are against Critical Race Theory, you are a racist. That is the kindest way for me to say it. And since I swear again, I can get real creative.