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Thursday, January 13, 2022


Possibly the hardest part of getting sick, even harder than losing half my vision, was losing the ability to walk. 

The week that I was diagnosed, I was wobbly. I felt hungover all week, and even a little bit still drunk. When I was at work I felt like I was going to fall out of my chair, and when I tried to explain something, I slurred my words. I was starting to worry that they would think I was drinking at work. Which probably would have been more understandable. 

But the day that I went to the hospital, I woke up, and I couldn't walk without holding the walls. If you've ever been at a children's museum or science center, you've probably seen the rooms that are tilted. You try to walk normal, but you end up falling against the wall. Except it was my house, and my house was not at sea.

At this point, I thought I was having a blood sugar issue. I've never had blood sugar problems before in my life, but I couldn't figure out why I was so lightheaded and confused. I made it to the dining room chairs and I remember looking at my husband and saying "something is wrong". 

Isaiah was in preschool, so my husband took him and my mom picked me up and took me to the hospital. 

After my marathon in the emergency room where they told me I had a stroke, and then didn't, and then they said I might have MS, and did a lumbar puncture, I ended up on the 4th floor in a neurological unit. And I really didn't feel all that bad, and I know this because I was really hungry. I was so restless too. I would ask a nurse to take me for a walk every hour or so because I just wanted to get out of my room. 

And when I was in the hospital, I could walk. I had no problems. Until the third day, when I started to feel like I was veering to one side. I was released and walked out to our car and into a pharmacy after. I went home, took a shower by myself, and I was tired, but okay.

The next couple days is when it got ugly. 

Have you ever gotten so drunk that when you lay in bed, the room spins? It was that. 

24 hours a day.

I ended up spending days throwing up from motion sickness. And all I was doing was laying on the couch watching tv. By the time we went in for my follow up neurology appointment ten days later, my husband was doing the majority of the work when I walked. I couldn't look around when I walked at all. And I would be exhausted from walking from one room to another. 

And then the pain started.

The lesion that disrupts my walking is on the left side of my brain in the back, on the cerebellum. This was my second lesion. The first took my vision, and the second took my balance and muscle coordination in my right leg. 

When your nerves are damaged, they work just like a frayed electrical cord. It might work. It might spark. It might melt or burn slow. It might catch fire.

And I didn't know it, but I was about to catch fire.

And it has been one mindfuck after the other since then.

I want to end this fun and positive, but I've honestly ran out of energy and I don't feel like being positive about this. It fucking sucks. 

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