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Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Whew. I'm Glad That Is Over.

Let me just tell you about my evening. Get comfortable. This could take a minute.

So you've heard of Spanx, right? In case you haven't, they're these miracle undergarments that will make you look like this girl who is on the website's front page.
Isn't she pretty? Don't you want to look like her? Well, buy Spanx and you will!

Or not.

This is me, Before:
This is me, After.
Is it just me, or do I seriously look bigger in the after picture? Yes, they are crappy dressing room photos, but unless they make me instantly shed fifteen pounds, I'm not paying this for them:
I almost had a heart attack. I calmly walked away.

No Spanx you. (ooohh, that was bad.)

I'm just gonna hit the gym.

So when I was leaving my super helpful "shopping assistant", Annie, gave me a card and told me to head down to the Lancôme counter because they are giving out free gifts! Woo hoo. I love free stuff.

I went down with my card, handed it over and expected to get a gift back in return. Wrong.

I got sat down in a chair and interrogated.

LancômeNazi: What moisturizer do you use?
Me: Whatever I find laying around when I notice my skin is dry.
LancômeNazi: What facial cleanser do you use?
Me: Soap.
LancômeNazi: What exfoliant do you use?
Me: I don't.
LancômeNazi: What foundation do you use?
Me: I don't.
LancômeNazi: What wrinkle cream do you use?
Me: Seriously?
LancômeNazi: Do you experience dark circles?
Me: When I'm tired.
LancômeNazi: Why don't you use foundation?
Me: Because I'm lazy.
LancômeNazi: Do you realize that you have four heads and seventeen eyes?
Me: No, but thanks for letting me know.

Ok, I made that last question up, but she was looking at me like she was thinking that.

While I was stuck in her chair, she lectured me on taking care of my skin and aging, but then told me I didn't have any signs of premature aging. Maybe because I don't use all that crap all the time.

I almost laughed out loud at her because she commented that I had some redness on my cheeks that she was going to cover up, and then she put blush on me. What is that about??

So then she asked me if I wanted to buy all that crap. For like a billion dollars. No thanks.

My "gift" was a ten day supply of my perfect match foundation. Woo hoo. I didn't even get it out to get a picture of it.

This is me with my stuff of my face.
I swear I don't have a lazy eye. Do I? I hope it only looks like that in this picture.I don't have a crooked lip either. It's like bad photoshop happened to me.

So yeah, I managed to escape without paying a million dollars for shapewear or a billion on makeup...which is good because I don't have either dollar amount.

In my world we don't spend outrageous amounts of money on things like that. Instead, we head on down to the Bed Bath and Beyond with our coupons and buy coffee.

And then come home and drink it while you're writing a rather wordy blog post.

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