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Friday, August 8, 2008

I'm Not Exactly Sure How To Put This Into Words.

When I first started losing weight I was so dang excited. I talked about it all. the. time. I was so proud of myself. Now, it's different, and I don't understand why. I almost feel depressed about it, which is so weird. I understand that I sound like a pathetic whiner who should be happy with what she has (because believe me, I have thought that about a lot of people too) but it doesn't solve everything like some people think it will. I feel like I don't fit in anywhere anymore. I'm much thinner than I used to be and I feel like people who weigh more than me don't really accept me anymore (people I work with, people I don't know very well, I'm not talking about people I'm close to) and that thin people seem to accept me more but I don't feel like one of them. I feel like I don't belong anywhere and I know I'm alienating myself, that no one is doing it to me. I feel uncomfortable talking to people now about how much I've lost (not people close to me, I mean like my co-workers and people who are not close friends or family) and feel weird when they tell me how good I look. Shouldn't I be happy about it? I wonder if this is normal. I talked to Megan last night about it and I felt a little better about it, but I can't get over it. I wonder if maybe I've lost too much weight. Not in an unhealthy way, but too much for me. I wonder if I'll even feel like myself on our wedding day, or if it will even feel like me in our pictures. I know I didn't lose it too fast, I can't imagine how I'd feel if I'd done some crash diet and lost it all in two months. I'm happy about the pace it came off, I just need to learn to accept me.

I know for certain that I'm not imagining this, but people are nicer to me now. I don't know why, and I certainly don't like it (not that I don't like the fact that people are nice to me, I just don't like it that they are nicer and friendlier than they were before). I asked Antoinette the other day on the treadmill if she felt the same way (because she used to be heavier and then went into competitive bodybuilding and now shes a marathon runner) and she completely understood what I was saying. She told me that we live in such an appearance dominated world that people are nicer to thinner people and think less of people who aren't as fit. It's pathetic. And what's even more pathetic is that it's true. That's why I don't feel like I'm myself. I put on a new pair of size 8 pants yesterday and I felt bad about myself.

I feel like my identity crisis is coming back, full swing.

What really surprises me is that I typed this whole post and no misspellings were found. That NEVER happens.

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