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Monday, December 13, 2021

It's me

 Is this thing on?

You're going to have to bear with me, a lot has changed since I was here last. 

But here I am. I'm 35. Married. Mom to an 8 year old. I'm disabled. Chronically ill. I'm a visually impaired finance coordinator. I'm a bread baker with the greenest of thumbs.

I came here though because I have a bone to pick with...well...everyone. 

I relaxed, bro. I did what you said. And what you said was "relax and you'll get pregnant!" and "As soon as your adoption is final, you'll get pregnant!" and "Just wait! Stranger things have happened!"

Well, those things must have happened to someone else, because my life kept making it so I couldn't relax. And now I've created this amazing build-up where I should announce a happy ending! Seven years later! 

The ending is happy, but it isn't at all what I thought I wanted.

The ending came after a lot of doctors, MRIs, blood draws, therapy, tears, joy, and grief. Everything seems to end in grief. 

When Isaiah was almost two, and our foster son, Mason, had gone to live with his dad, we decided to give it one last go. I was finally ready to drop all of my pride and lose weight. Exactly what my first doctor said to me when I didn't want to hear it.

And I did a good job of it. I lost around 40 pounds. I loved what I saw in the mirror. I loved my new attitude and outlook. And I was happy.

And then I lost half of my vision, and then I couldn't walk. So when I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, I never saw it coming (literally, heh). But these must be the "stranger things" that do happen?

So very quickly, and without discussion, our journey to grow our family ended, because the new mission was "how long am I going to live?" and "How is my husband going to raise my son without me?".

The answers to those questions are "hopefully forever, because the sun never sets on a badass" and "Hopefully we never know".

I think I might get back into this, but for a different reason. I think I'm ready to write this for me. For my healing. To process my feelings. When I blogged before, it was for followers. And if you're reading this, I want you to know that it's okay if you don't like me. You can think every word I'm writing is a joke. That isn't why I'm here.

I have worked so hard to become the person I am. So here I am.

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