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Tuesday, December 21, 2021

infertility

I left my old, soul sucking job earlier this year. I still work for the same organization, but a different department. Where I am now, I only knew one person before I started. I had the overwhelming guilt, sadness, anger, and frustration from my previous job, combined with my fear, anxiety, sadness, and overall shock of my new job and environment.

I have made new friends, which still feels a little odd to me because my self esteem took a hard hit when I first got sick and hasn't fully recovered yet. 

One friend in particular, told me that she struggled with infertility in the very first conversation we had. Remind you of anyone? Oh? Is it me? It's me.

I hadn't told her that I struggled with infertility though. She took this blind leap and shared it with me. Maybe she tells everyone, I don't know. But it felt really significant for someone who is currently in the place I once was, to openly share this painful wound the first time she met someone. 

Infertility is something that is so impossible to explain. I read Laura Bush's memoirs once, and she said something like it's like trying to describe that you miss a hand you've never held. A little body you've never rocked. A bright eyed smile you've never seen. How can you possibly miss someone who has never existed before? With death, there is something to mourn. With infertility, you mourn the nothing. And I hope more than anything, you never understand what I mean.

A few months ago, she and I were talking, and I asked her if she minded if I asked her about her infertility. I even went home and told my husband about it, because their story echoes our past. She desperately wants to be a mom, and everyone around her is becoming or is one, and it's so hard to not feel left behind. 

If you ever read this, I want you to know that you are brave. You are strong. No matter how you get to motherhood or if you never do, you are an amazing person. You are important. Exactly how you are now.


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