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Monday, October 15, 2012

The Formerly Sad, Sad Infertile.

I have to say, things have changed for me. I'll start right now by telling you that no, I am not pregnant.

I had a lengthy discussion on Saturday with an old friend who started TTC (trying to conceive) at the same time we did. She is currently pregnant with their second child. We sat around and talked about everything men don't want to listen to. I explained basically how the entire reproductive system works (or doesn't work, in my case), and we talked about the emotional toll that comes with infertility. She mentioned that she doesn't think she would have been able to handle it if she had problems conceiving.

I certainly don't feel like I'm holier than thou, because I know I'm not. I will not preach either, because we are all different. Some people can't handle it, and for the past year or so I wasn't able to handle it. Whether it was the plain stress of waiting or if it was the medicine and crazy hormones I was experiencing, it was hard. It was hard to the point where I would cry when I would see a pregnancy announcement, and I hated myself for it. I hated that I couldn't be happy for other people just because they had something I wanted. I pushed friends away, stopped speaking to some, and completely cut ties with others. I stopped cleaning the house. I stopped cooking. I lost my funny. I gained weight (I blame the fertility medicine for that). I stopped running. I stopped lifting. I stopped being nice to people (I'm sorry, Mom).

I always thought the ''relax'' method was the dumbest thing I've ever heard. I truly couldn't fathom how anyone in our position could relax. I don't understand how anyone whose life is so consumed with wanting a baby could suddenly stop thinking about it around the clock and relax. What is relaxing anyway? I stopped doing everything that was relaxing to me (See the previous paragraph).

After the adoption that wasn't I learned a lot about myself. I learned that having a baby isn't exactly all about us. I learned how to pray for something other than my own happiness. I learned to be grateful for what I do have, and not to dwell on what I don't have. In praying for the baby that should be in our arms right now, I pray that the arms he is in are loving and always will be.

I can't describe exactly what changed in me, but I swear, somehow, I relaxed.

I had a discussion with a friend a few weeks ago who also experienced infertility (over some delicious chocolate martinis). She, however, was never able to conceive, even after several rounds of IVF. The one thing that impacted me the most in our discussion is that she said she just started living five years ago (she is around my parents age), and it occurred to me that I haven't been living. I've been purposely sitting still waiting for a baby to happen to me. I've seen doctors to try to make it happen, but I put everything else on hold. I don't want to start living when I'm in my 40s. I want to start running, lifting, cleaning, cooking, and doing everything else I stopped doing again.

So this new me. She loves all babies, whether she can have them or not. She loves seeing the photos of your babies, and it is even better when she can see them in person. She loves hearing about them, and loves how happy they make you. She is genuinely excited for you when you're pregnant, and while she does dream of the day it will be her, she is content to be patient and trust in the Lord's perfect timing.

I'm still getting used to her, but I like it.

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  1. You only have one life so live it to the fullest!

  2. I wish I had a like button on comments. :)

  3. Part of the If journey is making peace within yourself. You are finding more than peace but also serenity and happiness.

  4. Faith in God includes faith in His timing.

    You, my friend, are full of the awesome and will make an amazing mother someday. =)

  5. Every once in while, a blog post hits you somewhere deeps. This is not a sad post, it's very much a happy post. But I'm crying right now because it touched me. I could've written it myself. I too am living now and sometimes feel guilty about it. Like maybe I don't want a baby as bad as my infertile friends that are still not living and letting IF consume them. Like maybe if I accept what is that I didn't try hard enough. If I don't put myself through IVF, I must not want it bad enough. But I do want to be a mother, more than anything. Im just not sure at what price anymore. I lost years of my life not living, nearly lost my marriage...what else must be sacrificed and in the end....will it all even be enough?

    1. Thank you so much for your comment. It means so much to me to hear from others going through the same thing. I'm always available if you ever want to chat.

  6. This was beautifully stated. <3 I'm praying you can find your peace and continue living. :)

  7. I love this and love you. Chat me tomorrow and we will talk more :)



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