permanent

This one is a little difficult for me to write. I've had a lot of people tell me that the things I write here must be really hard to write. But really, it isn't. By the time my words hit this blog, I've pretty much worked through my feelings on the subject. 

I've had all of this for a long time. I've been to therapy, I've been to doctors, I've done the work. 

But the eye doctor was the last big boss I had to beat before I achieved Total Self Wellness.

But it was really hard for me to do. And it took me four years. 

I think that my struggle might be overshadowed some by my successes, but trust me, none of this came easy or without work. Yes, I was working on my anxiety and adjusting to my diagnosis the whole time, but I was so terrified of the eye doctor that I pretended it didn't exist. It wasn't a problem I needed to address.

Let this be a testament to how strong your brain is. I lost half of my vision and convinced myself that I didn't need to see an eye doctor. FOR. FOUR. YEARS.

So I went last week.

And after a lot of tests, a small panic in the middle of the appointment, and a very thorough exam, the doctor told me that she saw the damage in my eyes caused by optic neuritis and MS. She saw the "permanent" damage.

Now, here's where I get caught up. I've been diagnosed with MS. I know that I have a lifelong chronic and incurable illness, but hearing that my eye damage is permanent was new and upsetting. Why?

She didn't tell me anything I didn't know. She said that I should have been seeing an eye doctor the entire time (I know). She said that the eye damage is permanent (I know). She said that I need to make regular eye appointments and see a doctor annually (I know).

When I first lost my vision, people who knew would ask me daily if it was better. After a while, they asked less. And now they really don't ask at all. Because the answer is always the same. "No changes". I think part of all of us was hoping that I'd be the miracle. I never really held out the hope that I would get pregnant and have the miracle baby, but for some reason I bought into the idea that I would someday get my vision back.

But now I know. I won't. So I'll add this to my list of grief to deal with, and that's that. Life is life.