I wrote before about how I was struggling to find myself after leaving my job. I realized last night that I hadn't responded to blog comments in months. More specifically, since Isaiah was born.
I felt terrible about it, and spent an hour of my precious sleep time responding. I'm sure it's been so long that the original commenters won't even remember, and will most likely never see the responses, but I just wanted to let you know, I'm back.
Finally, after almost five months, I feel like myself again. I don't think I was depressed, but I wasn't me. I guess I should say I'm not myself again, I'm the new me. I lost a lot of myself through infertility, and I don't think the old versions of me will ever be the same after what we experienced. Even though I didn't give birth, child birth changed me. I'm a mom now, and I can never be the non-mom me.
I've started working at home, and I'm in the routine of not doing house things from 9-5 anymore, which helps because I can shut off the guilt that tells me I need to be up doing these things. It isn't easy. I will be the first to tell you that. I work harder now for less money than I ever have in my life. I've told Josh more than once that I'm going back to work. Sitting in an office all day is a thousand times easier for me, even now.
I know a lot of people knock the stay at home mom life, and when I talk about how hard it is, I mean emotionally. I'm sure you're reading this and saying to yourself "she needs to man up". But I'm back to being comfortable with how I feel. You can feel however you want about it.
I lost a lot of my own self confidence when I left my job. I was constantly faced with new baby situations that I didn't know how to deal with. I questioned myself and took advice that I didn't really want to take, but others with experience were willing to offer it.
I went from a person who always fiercely stood up for myself, to someone who always questioned if I was doing the right thing. I took every opinion to heart, and started to believe that others knew my baby better than I did.
That is over now. I know my baby, and he knows me. Feel free to give advice, but I'm no longer taking every piece that comes my way. I'm no longer feeling bad about myself. I hate that feeling. I know what's best for him.
I'm his mom.
Hear me roar.