Letter To My Future Self

Isaiah is six weeks old and so many things have happened lately that I don't want you to ever forget.

I want you to always remember the amazing circumstances in which he came into your family. I want you to remember that against all odds, you became a mother. You agonized over infertility for years and you began to believe your family would only contain two people and sixteen dogs. You wanted this baby so bad, so when he begins to irritate you, and do things he shouldn't, please think back to how much you wanted him. Think of how much you loved him before you ever met him. Think of everything you went through to become his mom.

Remember his first smile at four weeks old. Remember how you felt when he flashed that big goofy gummy smile up at his mama. Remember how even at four weeks old he could show you he loved you. Remember that even though you are not his birth mama, you are the only mama he knows. Remember that no matter what, he loves you, even if he doesn't like you.

I want you to remember what a wonderful baby he was those first six weeks. Remember how he let you sleep and how he loved to listen to music with you. Remember his giant yawns that made your heart melt. Remember how he furrowed his brow as if to ask if you're being serious.

Remember how much change you went though. You were 27 years old and scared to death. You had no idea how to be a mom, and within six weeks you were catching spit-up in your hands on purpose. You were an expert booger picker and you finally got Isaiah to not cry during a diaper change. You learned how to get his clothes over his giant head, and you know all the right places he liked to snuggle.

Remember how hard it was to leave him with anyone besides Josh. It was even hard to leave him at your parents house. Leaving him at child watch at the Y was out of the question. You wanted him to use his crib in his own room from day one, but you couldn't stand to be away from him, so he slept next to your bed.

Lastly, please remember how you questioned if you were a good parent. Remember how you wondered if you were doing the right thing by not encouraging his birth mother to keep him. Remember how you questioned if he could love you because you hadn't carried him. Also, remember the day when you realized that was all ridiculous. Remember the day you knew, without a doubt, that Isaiah knew you were his mom, and you knew that he was meant for you.