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Monday, February 27, 2012

Pain of Absence

 Infertility never gets easier. Ever.

I thought that facing rejection each month was making me a bit tougher, and that I was getting better about taking it. This month, I even started thinking about what our lives would be like if we never have children. Never in my whole life have I thought about it just being me and Josh forever. When I looked forward and saw my 30's I saw lots of kids. Lots of them. Now I feel like I look forward and they're not there.

I actually didn't have high hopes for this month at all. I started my second cycle of Clomid, and when I saw my doctor for my mid-cycle ultrasound, she wasn't thrilled. She acted like things were better, but not the best they could be. I left my appointment a little deflated, but continued my home ovulation kits. I went in for my lab work to confirm ovulation, and it came back positive. I was shocked when I talked to the nurse and she told me it was positive.

This was the first time in my life that I ovulated (that I'm aware of. I feel confident in saying the first time ever). So I starting thinking that things were looking really good because of the timing of everything. I started feeling like crap, my runs started sucking, I was tired and emotional, I must be pregnant. Must be.

It's that situation where you want it so bad that you talk yourself into it. That thing where you start to Google every symptom to see if you're pregnant (you know, because Google totally knows). When in reality, every symptom of pregnancy I had is also consistent with PMS. But I didn't want PMS, I wanted a baby.

How can you get used to that?

I find myself writing something and then deleting it half way through the sentence. I can't come up with words to describe the pain of losing something that never was.

I can't say it better than this:
For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?"  -Laura Bush

 I was considering taking a few weeks break of worrying about getting pregnant. I was going to relax for a while, refresh, and start again. However, I mostly wanted to do that because I didn't want to go back on Provera. Since I ovulated this cycle I won't have to, so I'll start my next cycle of Clomid in a few days. Hopefully this time next month I'll have better news and won't be all weepy and poor me on you. If you're new around here, click here to check out my post where I came out of the infertility closet.

I'm really interested to hear anything you have to say.
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  1. sending lots of hugs your way!

  2. Try looking and surrounding yourself with the color red and orange. It couldn't hurt and this color therapy is affordable and it works. You could also meditate on these colors filling you up, just imagine breathing these colors in right down through your spine and filling the pelvic region of your body.



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