If you think about it, it is extremely heartbreaking, but understandable.
Can you imagine finding out that you're pregnant and making the decision that you cannot care for your unborn, then set out to find someone else to love your child in the way you approve of? Can you imagine spending nine months of your life with someone, and then one day, that person is gone?
I can't either.
We are no strangers to a cancelled match. Before we met Isaiah's birth mom, there was a different birth mom who decided against placing her child with us, and there have been two more cancelled matches since Isaiah was born.
When he was two months old, we heard of a birth mom who knew of us through Isaiah's birth mom. She decided she couldn't handle another child, but eventually changed her mind and kept the baby.
We found out in early November that there was another birth mom in our area who was pregnant with a little girl that she wanted to find a family for. She had already contacted a local agency, but then heard about us and felt more comfortable placing her child with someone a friend could personally vouch for. I understand that private adoptions outside of an agency are odd, but these birth moms know about our family by word of mouth. All of these birth moms are distantly connected somehow to us in a way that they've heard about Isaiah's adoption. We aren't actively pursuing another adoption, but we agreed long before we knew about Isaiah that we would never turn a child away. Even if we aren't ready or prepared, if there is a child who needs us, the answer is always going to be yes.
We mentally prepared to become parents again. We considered the logistics of what it would mean for us.
And we loved her.
We started clearing out our last spare room to make a little girl nursery. I started a hidden "little girl" board on Pinterest. I started to get sentimental that this would be Isaiah's first and only Christmas as an only child. I got scared of taking care of girl hair. We figured out how we would cover the fees. I even told my brothers about her.
And then her birth mom decided she couldn't let her go.
I admire her for loving her child so much that she couldn't let go. At the same time, I let go of a little piece of my heart every time. As soon as I hear of a child who may be meant for us, I give my heart away. I never knew how immediately I could love a child until we started pursuing adoption.
Adoption isn't easy. You don't have any control. But in our experience, everything works out exactly how it's supposed to, no matter how many times your heart breaks in the process.