Six Days

When things got particularly rough last week with our birth mom I started writing like crazy. It is amazingly therapeutic for me so I wrote a little something every day of the week to get me through. The posts may be a little jumbled, but here they are in all of their unedited glory. You get these posts this week while I'm snuggling my brand new baby boy.

We are six days away from meeting our precious little guy. Six days. I have never felt a longer six days in my life.

I've never felt so uncertain. Will we actually meet him? Will we end up at the hospital and leave empty handed? Will our birth mom try to use us until we have nothing left?

What a crappy place to be.

I watched the entire series of Friends over the summer, and didn't know until the very end that Monica and Chandler adopted. I think it is amazing that the writers put this in the show, but come on, how about be a little more real.

I don't mean that, I"m just mad. I know television shows aren't real and that Monica and Chandler don't actually exist.

But in six days, our life is going to change forever. One way or another. It is completely out of our control now.

Josh and I have talked more in the last few days than we ever have about what might happen. We're both scared.

It's hard to keep washing clothes, and getting car seats ready. It's hard to keep planning the bring the baby home when this panic has set in that it might not happen. My guard is back up, and it feels like I'm back at square one. I haven't been scared about her changing her mind since the very beginning, and I wouldn't be scared now if she hadn't said the words. I want to finish putting his clothes away, but how can I keep planning on bringing him home? What do I say when people ask if I'm excited? I can't say no, but I don't want to tell everyone that I'm scared. I find myself drawn to his room though.

Will she keep him? Will she call him Isaiah like we already do? Will she be his mama, instead of me?

A small portion of the insane amount of clothing from our shower.