It Is Time.

It has been quite a while since I've written a post that has any substance to it. I don't want you to think I'm some loony who spends all of her time trolling around the internet looking for stuff to laugh at, so I'm going to fill you in on what has been happening in my life.

But first, you can't say these aren't funny:

Now that I've got that out of my system....nope, one more.

Anyway, down to business.

Unless you know me in real life, you may or may not know that I used to work at a wholesale club which is owned by the biggest retailer in the world. If you can't figure it out, just Google the last part of that sentence. It will come to you. I took that job last July because my job at the law office was cut way back to a ridiculous amount of hours (I spent more time in the car on the way there than I spent working). At first it wasn't bad. I was getting hours, I didn't hate it, and I was getting paid a little more. The time between July to March was pretty uneventful there. It was a job, I worked it.

In the meantime, my Megan is a serious job opportunity stalker. She's like an agent, she finds everything. So she spotted a job she thought I would be good for. I was still doing the warehouse thing, and desperately wanted out (hint hint: I got my wish). I applied for the job Megan pointed out, and then I kind of forgot about it. Time passed and they didn't call, so I let it go. I actually got to the point where I didn't hate my job. I made some friends at work, and it made it almost bearable.

So this story actually starts on March 23, 2010. That is the date I was fired from the biggest retailer in the world, and told I would never be allowed to come back. (That part is very true, I can never be rehired, but the doom and gloom that would typically come from a statement like that is not in that sentence, because I never want to be rehired.)

What was I fired for? I knew you would ask. I was fired for GROSS MISCONDUCT. What is that? I knew you would ask.

I think I'll let your mind wander into what gross misconduct could be, and why I would never be rehireable by the largest retailer in the world, for a bit.

Let us talk about my employment history at the largest retailer in the world. They run on a system that resembles a three strike route. The first time you get in trouble, you get a verbal coaching. The second time you get a written warning. Third time is called a "D Day" or "decision day" in which they decide if you get to keep your job. Not me, I jump right to the head of the class. I never had any of these disciplinary actions. Not one. I went from being an associate without one blemish on my sparkling record, to being fired for gross misconduct.

Ok, ok. I'll tell you.

I was working on the aforementioned Monday evening and it was super busy. A man (I say man because he looked like a man, not a boy, not a teenager, a man) came through my lane and wanted to purchase a bottle of Berringer wine. I rang him up, told him his total was $5.16, and he paid me with exact change. Right here in this paragraph, is where I committed my gross misconduct-worthy mistake.

The policy at the largest retailer in the world (I'm talking about their wholesale clubs, because I know their retail store policy on alcohol sales is different) is to ask for ID if the purchaser appears to be under the age of 27. This man appeared to be 30 years old. I evaluated by the look on his face how old I thought he was. He was dressed in an expensive looking outfit, dress coat, and his hair was nicely kept. He gave the appearance of someone who was on his way home from working in an office.

So you can imagine my surprise when I was taken into the office by an Indiana State Excise Officer who told me that this "man" was allegedly 19 years old, and I sold him alcohol. So the largest retailer in the world promptly told me to go home and never come back.  Yeah, I was upset for about an hour. I was super embarrassed because it was a dumb mistake, and I let it happen.

That all went down on Monday. On Tuesday, Joshua and I decided I wasn't going to look for a job. I spent time working on nailing down our budget, and we decided we were going to make it work on his income. This what I had always wanted! I had begged to be a stay at home wife, and now I had it. It couldn't get any better. I was ready for it, super excited. I started getting used to it, and was blown out of the water when I got a call on Wednesday morning from the job that Megan scouted for me.

They wanted me to go take a test on Thursday and interview on Tuesday. The test wasn't a big deal, but the interview was. I'm not going to tell you what the job was, but my interview was like this:

You can click the picture to make it bigger. I'm an artist too, if you didn't know.

I talked it over with Joshua and decided that I'd go through with it. It would be easier to quit later than it would be to beg them to give me a job. If I got the job it was because I was meant to, and if I didn't, it was because I wasn't meant to. I decided it wasn't up to me, and I was just going to go with whatever happened.

My interview went well enough that they called me Wednesday and told me I got the job, but I had to finish more testing before all was said and done.

I had to go Tuesday and take a polygraph test. Yes.

Just. Like. Maury.

I was flipping out. I was super worried that once they found out what went down at the world's largest retailer they wouldn't want me. They're going to find out that I took a pad of post it notes when I worked at B&M (old law office...B&M are the initials, but I only use them because it looks like bowel movement.) (Speaking of bowel movements, I was watching 16 & Pregnant on the treadmill the other day, and the girl was talking about how someone was coaching her about labor and she said they told her to push like she was having a bowel movement, and she said "I didn't know what a bowel movement was, I thought it was some way I was supposed to move my body". Dead serious. This is why kids should not have babies.)

Anyway, I was super worried about the polygraph. It happened on Tuesday though, and I got a call yesterday that everything was fine. They didn't care what happened at the biggest retailer in the world. What a relief that was. The last step of the hiring process was to get fingerprinted, drug tested, TB tested, and have a physical. I got all that done yesterday, but have to go back Friday to get my TB test read.

Here is the fun I had in the waiting room:

John Deere was so tired, he wasn't napping, he was knocked out. The lady called his name twice before he woke up to go back into the exam room.

And that is my story. That is what I've been doing for the past two weeks. I'll find out when I start working after I get my test read tomorrow. The best thing about this new job is that is isn't my old job. At all. I'll get full time, and four dollars more per hour. It is a professional position, so I get to dress up again, which I'm super excited about.

The best part though, is that I'm starting to feel like my old self again. And all it took was faith.